Friday Fictioneers – The Boardwalk

copyright-renee-homan-heath

 

Detective Banks surveyed the boardwalk. Three people were reported missing, last seen near the boardwalk. He recalled one of their names. Charmaine! She was described as having red hair and blue eyes, apparently wearing a yellow dress. Banks cautiously stepped on the boardwalk. It seemed strong enough. He walked ahead with confidence. Just as he was about to jump into the soft sand, the boardwalk cracked. Banks found himself falling deep down into what looked like a cave. The last thing he saw before hitting a rock was a skeleton with a yellow skirt and red hair covering its skull.

Written for friday fictioneers. Photo by Renee Homan Heath

Advertisements

76 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers – The Boardwalk

    • I’ve never read Stephen King’s stuff. My thriller novels are limited to Agatha Christie. Yes, the boardwalk cracks and after the person falls down, it comes back to normal..acting all innocent..Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. It has been a long time since you visited my posts. Thank You!

      • I haven’t read a lot of Stephen King, but he often has the kind of story where something is alive or possessed. Finding the creepy in ordinary things, I guess.
        Yeah, sorry about the long time. The last couple weeks I’ve wanted to get to more of the Friday Fictioneers but didn’t have the time. I’m going to try to be better about it in the future since the fun of the group is reading what everyone else wrote and commenting on each other’s work.

  1. i like the story and its events, but a few questions:

    1. Three people were found missing, last seen near the boardwalk.

    it seems odd to be “found missing.” if you’re missing, you’re not found. what about “reported missing”?

    2. not sure how long it takes to decompose to a skeleton. but if she was the latest reported missing, she might not yet be skeletal.

    regardless of my picky approach, it’s well done.

    • You are right about ‘reported missing’. Thank you for pointing that out. have revised it:)) As far as the second point is concerned, I meant it to be a skeleton..She is the ‘latest’, but the latest could be one or two years..Three people are already missing and the police have done nothing about it because it is a place the detectives are scared to approach..and now, they are bowing to public pressure..and only one detective is bold (or even reckless) enough to attend to the case. well..does that seem more logical now..

  2. Very interesting premise. I like how dark this piece of writing is! It’s right up my alley. I also agree with Rich that given the time frame a detective normally would be looking into disappearances like these, the body would likely not be skeletal just yet. You might want to substitute corpse or something.

    • I thought about the skeletal part of it when I was drafting it too:) I have explained my idea behind it to Rich above..Let me know if it makes sense..Thank you so much reading and taking the time to comment.

  3. I like this. I like the use of the detective as a device, as he really doesn’t do much but move the plot forward. That’s hard to do in 100 words, friend, and you have exercised this to near perfection.

    I have a couple suggestions for your lexicon and future crafts. They’re are but the opinions of one, so take them as you will!
    1) ” Three people were found missing, last seen near the boardwalk.”
    This line is crucial. It is the introduction to what develops into the premise. Try being very active, and clear as a bell. Parsing it as “Search parties identified three bodies, each last seen by the boardwalk.” The juxtaposition and modification of “found” and “missing” clouds the meaning and context for the premise.
    2) A corpse stripped of flesh in so short a time? You could make it work. You just need to lampshade it with the detective. Or a bystander. “There’s *no* way she could have decomposed in so short a time!” Something to that effect.

    Good writing. Thanks for the read.

    • Hi, Thank you so much for your reading and your kind suggestions. Agree with you on the first one..try to word them more clearly in the future:) As far as the second point is concerned, I meant this to be ‘supernatural’. Why should the strong boardwalk give way towards the end? Besides, the police have totally ignored this spooky place…Charmaine was the last missing person..Maybe she had been missing for a couple of years..Combining the supernatural thought with the detectives’ lathargy, do you think this makes sense?

      • It makes sense now, but consider that there is no backstory here in the drabble (flash fiction, short short story, etc.) Personally, I wasn’t able to deduce the story’s mechanics. My willing suspension of disbelief became forced, and that’s why I pointed that out.

        Again, just my take. With your input, I was able to put the pieces together.

        Thanks a lot for responding back to me with a cool head. Writer to writer discussion can be very revealing 😉

      • well, you are so right about the wording part and thank you so much for that. Though I did consider the logical aspect while writing and meant it to be a supernatural with spooky effect..Thank you so much asking and pointing out the facts:))

  4. That was such a gross image at the end! I forgot that hair stays on, lives on. But just the yellow, & red.

    I admire people who say so much in so few words. Great stuff 🙂

    • Well, the assumption was that the detectives delayed a lot in carrying out the investigation. It could have decomposed within that time. Besides, it was meant to be ‘supernatural’..probably there was something inside the cave to decompose it quickly..have been asked this question:))but let me know if the answer appears fairly logical to you..

      • I would say in a hundred word limit we could easily make up a thousand reasons why it is so… Logical? Why not it works for me if that is knowledge learned by the reader at some point. I think if you change “latest” to “last” it doesn’t give the feeling of happening recently…just an idea.
        Tom

    • It seems I may have lead you down the wrong path…One too many “Last” in there….here is what I came up with to fix it…Detective Banks surveyed the boardwalk. Three people were reported missing, last seen near the boardwalk. Charmaine, when she was reported missing was described as having red hair and blue eyes and wearing a yellow dress. Banks cautiously stepped on the boardwalk. It seemed strong enough. He walked ahead with confidence. Just as he was about to jump into the soft sand, the boardwalk cracked. Banks found himself falling deep down into what looked like a cave. The last thing he saw before hitting a rock was a skeleton with a yellow skirt and red hair covering its skull.
      This leaves you with two extra words to have fun with and you are bot using last so often…of course this is just an idea and you could tweak it anyway you want. Tom

  5. My take on this story was that the ‘last reported missing’ had found a way of reachng out from her grave to communicate its whereabouts to the detective. Have you read Alice Sebold’s ‘Lovely Bones’? Fabulous writing and similar. Ann

      • It is now 1pm Monday, which in Australia is a public holiday for Australia Day..!
        The weekend was full of dancing, Padmini… Practice and social dances… We are sooooo busy now, and will be for a few months.. We are receiving new routines for our Standard dances (Waltz, Slow Foxtrot, Tango and Quickstep) so it’s lots of work for us over the coming months…! Thank goodness we love it…!
        Hope you too are well….! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s